[Me-Tom-orphasis] - Welcome

“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?

• Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
  Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.
• Man: Is this seat empty?
  Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
• Man: Your place or mine?
  Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.
• Man: So, what do you do for a living?
  Woman: I’m a female impersonator.
• Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign?
  Woman: Do not enter.
• Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
  Woman: Unfertilized.
• Man: Your body is like a temple.
  Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
• Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
  Woman: But would you stay there?
• Man: If I could see you naked, I’d die happy.
  Woman: If I saw you naked, I’d probably die laughing.

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me!
5. Good job!
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn’t inspire confidence.
11. Didn’t I see you get your butt kicked on Cops ?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend’s nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald’s?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around–that’s how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, “Have I been drinking?” You’re the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

1. Ask if you can get a pizza with just crust, no toppings.
2. Call a delivery-only pizza store and insist on “dining in.”
3. Using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
4. Make up a credit card name. Ask if they accept it. Cheer if they say yes.
5. Use CB lingo where applicable.
6. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
7. Terminate the call with, “Remember, we never had this conversation.”
8. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you’re going with the lowest bidder.
9. Give them your address, exclaim “Oh, just surprise me!” and hang up.
10. Answer their questions with questions.
11. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
12. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
13. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from any Metallica CD.
14. Don’t name the toppings you want - spell them out.
15. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say “crazy bread.”
16. Stutter on the letter “p.”
17. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. Order “The Edge” from Little Caesar’s or a “Cheeser! Cheeser!” from Domino’s)
18. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
19. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
20. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
21. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
22. Tell the order taker you’re depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
23. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
24. Change your accent every three seconds.
25. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
26. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say “Bed-Wetters’ Camp, right?”
27. Start your order with “I’d like…”. A little later, slap yourself and say “No, I don’t.”
28. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say “OK. That’ll be $10.99 please pull up to the first window.”
29. Try to rent a pizza.
30. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
31. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
32. Put the accent on the last syllable of “pepperoni.” Use the long “i” sound.
33. Have your pizza “shaken, not stirred.”
34. Say “Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say “Well, so is this! You’ve got some explaining to do!” When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, “Do you know what it’s like to be lied to?”
35. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
36. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
37. Imitate the order taker’s voice.
38. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
39. When they say “What would you like?” say, “Huh? Oh, you mean now.”
40. Play a sitar in the background.
41. Say it’s your anniversary and you’d appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
42. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
43. Ask to see a menu.
44. Quote Gandhi.
45. Say you’ll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
46. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
47. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
48. Belch directly into the mouthpiece then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
49. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
50. Shout “I’m through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!”
51. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say “Where was I? Who are you?”
52. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
53. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
54. Order two toppings, then say, “No, they’ll start fighting.”
55. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
56. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn’t mean it.
57. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he’s fired.
58. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
59. Use expletives like “Great Caesar’s Ghost!” and “Great Scott!”
60. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
61. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, “I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.”
62. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
63. Try to talk while drinking something. Gargle.
64. Start the call with “My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and…action!”
65. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
66. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
67. Be vague with your order.
68. When they repeat your order, say “Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.”
69. Using a touch-tone phone, press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
70. After ordering, say “I wonder what THIS button on the phone does.” Simulate a hangup.
71. Start the conversation by reciting today’s date and saying, “This may be my last entry.”
72. State your order and say that’s as far as this relationship is going to get.
73. Ask if they’re familiar with the term “spanking a pizza.” Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
74. Say “Kssssssssssssssht” rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
75. Detect the order taker’s psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
76. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
77. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
78. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
79. Perfect a celebrity’s voice. Stress that you won’t take any crap from some two-bit can’t-hack-it pimple-faced gofer. Threaten to hit said gofer with a golf club.
80. Put them on hold.
81. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
82. Mumble, “There’s a bomb under your seat.” When asked to repeat that, say “I said ’sauce smothered with meat’.”
83. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say “No mushrooms, please.” Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
84. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say “You just don’t get it, do you?”
85. When you’re given the price, say “Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.”
86. Haggle.
87. Order a one-inch pizza.
88. Order term life insurance.
89. When they say “Will that be all?” snicker and say “We’ll find out, won’t we?”
90. Order with a Speak-n-Spell.
91. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
92. While on the phone, fake your voice changing. Fluctuate pitch often. Act embarrassed.
93. Engage in some serious swapping.
94. Dance all around the word “pizza.” Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say “Please don’t mention that word.”
95. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell “OW!” when a bullet is fired.
96. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
97. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
98. Order a steamed pizza.
99. Get taker’s name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, “This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so.” Hang up. Repeat every hour.
100. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
101. If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, “The last guy let me do it.”

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it’s up, put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, he is not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. You have enough clothes.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing  from point blank range. We are bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See  a doctor.
16. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
17. If you do not dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls,don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
18. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we  meant the other one.
19. Let us ogle. If we do not look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are ?
20. Do not rub the lamp if you do not want the genie to come out.
21. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.
22. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

   He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn’t on it.”

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
• It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
• It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
• Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
• We are born naked, wet, and hungry.  Then things get worse.
• No one is listening until you make a mistake.
• Always remember that you’re a completely unique person - just like everyone else.
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
• If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.
• If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it.
• If you haven’t much education you must use your brain.
• You can’t strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
• Who gossips to you will gossip of you.
• When someone says, “Do you want my opinion?” - it’s always a negative one.
• The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
• The trouble with work is - it’s so daily.
• The difference between ordinary and extraordinary is that little extra.
• Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy. Check 3 friends, if they are OK, you’re it.
• Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
• Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the drive before it has stopped snowing.
• If you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie!

A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q: Officer, who provided this description?

A: The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender you trust your fellow officers?

A: Yes sir, with my life.

Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

 A: Yes sir, we do.

Q: And do you have a locker in that room?

A: Yes sir, I do.

Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?

A: Yes sir.

Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?

 A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room.

He walks up to the rancher and says, “Sir, this is a mighty fine-looking horse ya got here. Do you mind if I ask him a few questions?”  The rancher said, “But that horse can’t talk…”

And the ventriloquist went around to the front of the horse and said, “How do you like living on the ranch? Then, in his best horse-voice, he  made the horse appear to answer, “Its great, plenty of salt-licks and the works not too hard. They groom my mane every week, so I like it a lot.”

The rancher was in total shock over his horse’s new found voice when the ventriloquist said, “Mind if I ask your hound a question?”

The rancher stammered a bit and said, “But the dog… it don’t talk…” And so the man walked up to the dog and said, “How does this guy treat you?” “Oh,” said the ventriloquist in his best dog-voice, “he’s really nice. There’s always food in my dish and he takes me hunting. Then his woman rubs my belly.”

This confounded the Rancher and so the ventriloquist said, “Look, I don’t want to take any more of your time, but before I go, do you mind if I ask your sheep a question?”

 And the rancher said, “That sheep there is a big, fat liar!”

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back?”
 

After the church service a little boy told the pastor, “When I grow up, I’m going to give you some money.” “Well, thank you,” the pastor replied, “but why?” “Because my daddy says you’re one of the poorest preachers we’ve ever had.”
 

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”

Jodie

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon… and some days you’re the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

 11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the computer keyboard of life,  always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because, like, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, all of you just shut UP!”
4. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: “Noogie patrol coming!”
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, motion sickness!”
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter “gotta go, gotta go” then sigh and say “oops!”
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says “human head” on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say “mmmm…tasty!”
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers “through” it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: “Wanna see wha in muh mouf?”
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear “X-Ray Specs” and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say “I think it’s getting larger.”
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”